Oh Christmas tree

Week 8: Sir Fluffington: I thought I’d start us off this week by letting everybody know that I am the intelligent one. I don’t quite understand how anyone could even question it. I am the Sir not Sushi, I am dignified and polite not just a crazy little kitten that runs after anything including one’s own tail such as Sushi. She rarely even listens to the staff whereas I listen and choose to ignore them, as of course I know better than they do. I just find it quite preposterous that people believe me to be the less than intelligent one; I highly doubt Sushi even knows what preposterous even means.

Sushi: After Sir Fluffington learnt to meow whilst drinking, I’ve been a bit jealous, so I’ve got him to start teaching me to meow whilst drinking as well. I’m not great at it yet but I’ve managed to do it once or twice. I’ll get better though, I’ll be as good as him soon.

Sir Fluffington: I saw the most amazing place this week: above the kitchen. One of the staff went up there, and it looks huge and ruddy high up. I let the staff know that I desperately wanted to go there by meowing but they were jolly poor sports about it and didn’t take me up there too. Mark my words I’ll get up there one day, just you see, then I’ll be the one not letting them up there as I shall claim it as my kingdom. Now what will I call it? Fluffingtonville? No, not regal enough…how about The Flufftons? Yes, that sounds a bit more like it.

One day this week something very strange happened, unlike anything that we’ve heard or felt our entire lives. These metal things that are good for sticking our paws behind to get grey fluffy bits, radiators we think…anyway, they started making noise, it was utterly bizarre so we had to investigate even though it was rather scary. It turns out radiators pump heat out of them, who knew? So the whole place got nice and warm.

Sushi: When the radiators were turned on I decided to use under the sofa as a kotatsu, it was really warm and comfy. I wish we had a real kotatsu, I think I’d live in it. Sir Fluffington can have a kingdom, I just want a kotatsu.  

The staff lifted up a sofa for some reason and it was really fun playing it, so much more fun than sofas normally are. We can recommend to everyone, put your sofas on the side and enjoy all the added benefits of extra places to explore.

Sir Fluffington: I caught Sushi doing the most disgusting thing this week, it was truly horrid. I caught her…giving a wash to that dog that comes to visit. I know, unthinkably revolting, imagine washing a dog! Blergh! I hope she gave her tongue a good cleaning after that one.

At the end of the week, the staff got us a new tower, it was the most amazing tower ever. It was thick at the bottom and thin at the top and covered in toys and interesting things to play with. The really strange part was that they wouldn’t let us on the tower, what’s the point of getting us an amazing tower and not letting us on it? We listened at first and stayed off but eventually we just couldn’t help ourselves it looked to much fun and we had to go on it. After that, the staff took away all the toys from the tower, ruining it. Well not quite ruining it, but it’s not as good now, still comfy to lay on but that’s not the point. And they still won’t let us on it.

For the first time, we caught a bird! It was spectacular; the bird never saw us coming. Like ninjas in the night, we saw it, stalked it for a while and then struck. There really wasn’t much left of it by the time we were finished, we were quite proud. It didn’t even matter to us that it was pink, glittery and attached to that new tower at all.

We like to meow it meow it

 Week 7: First off, we must apologise for the lateness of the blog, we write the blog but the staff have to put it up and guess what? They uploaded it and forgot to publish it. You can't get the staff for anything nowadays.

Sushi: Sir Fluffington meows all the time, even drinking doesn’t stop him meowing, he can meow whilst drinking. Don’t humans do tricks like that and get paid for it? Maybe he should work in a circus or something. The amazing meowing kitty…maybe he needs a better name than that but the main point is that I would get the tower we sleep on all to myself.

Sir Fluffington: I may meow a lot and different types of meows however I merely enjoy partaking in a spot of impressions and impersonating accents, you should hear my Russian accent, it’s jolly good.

That dog still comes to visit but we are starting to get used to it. Like it? No no no, we could never actively like a dog, who could? We merely put up with it. We may as well play with it though, would be a waste of a dog otherwise. Cats across the world use them as perfectly good tools, from play toys to beds. We’ll probably end up doing the same, the dog does make quite a good play toy. Haven’t tried using it as a bed yet but it isn’t big enough yet.

Sushi: The best thing about the dog is when it’s here at food time it wags its tail like crazy which is really fun to play with. It doesn’t even care I just play away and all it can think about is food. I’m able to think about far more than just food like sleeping, playing and ordering the staff to make a fuss of me whilst standing directly behind them after I've woken up.

It’s very strange indeed but the dog seems to share the staff's strange obsession with our litter tray. We don’t really want an audience when we are going but every time, the dog is there, watching with hawk eyes. It’s disturbing to say the least. Would you like it if every time you went toilet, someone was sitting there watching you? Didn’t think so!

Sir Fluffington: As a sir I need to exert my authority over the staff and I have decided the way in which I should do that is by putting one of my paws on their hand when they pick me up. It’s a bit like the queen’s wave but in cat form, my paw being on top of their hand shows them that I am in charge.

Sushi: For some strange reason Sir Fluffington insists on having conversations with the staff, he doesn’t seem to understand that they have very little understanding of ‘cat’, yet speaks to them as if they understand. The staff try and talk back but their ‘cat’ is so bad we’re both not really sure what they are saying. Sir Fluffington thinks they will learn but I have my doubts.

Thundermeow

Week 6: Sushi: I saw Sir Fluffington snort water. It was while one of the staff was giving me a cuddle, we just turned and looked at each other straight afterwards and Sir Fluffington just looked shocked and confused.

Sir Fluffington: I’ve discovered that blankets are amazing; they are soft and cosy and I can knead them for hours. I’ve tried getting milk from them but strangely it doesn’t work, however I keep the blanket in my mouth just in case. Because of the blanket I often sit on the staff now, it’s a necessary evil and they do give me lots of fusses which I suppose is nice. I’m prim and proper and purr for the staff when they do give me attention: got to motivate the workforce after all.

Sushi: I’ve had a go on the blankets but I’m not buying it at the moment, our amazing tower is better. We get to be up high and look down on everyone. It’s how things should be.

We are now allowed outside, though it’s a bit nippy out and we haven’t yet ventured out there. It has nothing to do with how scary it is out there because it’s not scary it’s just cold and windy and…often it’s wet, why go outside when you’re going to get wet? Yep, not scary one bit. We’ll go outside when it’s warm and sunny and go sun bathe (Sushi: Does it get warm and sunny in England?  Sir Fluffington: No, I don’t think so, we can keep using the cold as an excuse forever).

Sushi: I have decided that the staff have more use than just work slaves planning our café for us. They make excellent perches, I can sit on their shoulders or back and tower over the room. Have I mentioned how I like to look down on things? It makes me feel in control. I can never decide which shoulder to stand on though so I usually have to move between them. Shoulder pads should make a comeback in fashion, which would make the staffs’ shoulders even comfier.

As the staff have such a strange obsession with our litter tray we’ve decided to start alerting them as to when we are going to use it. They work hard all the time for us we thought it’s only fair to give them some joy back and let them know when we are going to go. Though we still find it odd how they like collecting our excrement but each to their own, they like it and we won’t stop them. What kind of staff would we be if we didn’t let them have a bit fun once every now and again? 

Sushi: I’ve realised that the staff enjoy giving me attention, so I have to make them work for it. For this reason I have decided the best place to go when I want attention is directly behind the staff, it’s my way of exercising them. At least this way they have to move about a bit and they get the best reward possible at the end: getting to give me attention. Everybody wins.

The staff have also set up this thing called thunderclap. It’s weird and uses facebook or twitter to send out a message with lots of people sending it all at once, it’s free and they need around 50 more people to do it. http://thndr.it/1hjvPip. We would do it ourselves as well but we’re too cool for facebook and twitter, it would just take too much time out of our important schedule of sleeping, playing and bossing the staff about.

And the Crowdfunding Begins...

Week 5: The staff have been so busy this week they haven’t paid us nearly enough attention. We let them off on this occasion as they began crowdfunding. www.buzzbnk.org/konekocatcafe 

It’s important having staff that do work hard and our staff are working very hard to make sure our café opens.

Sir Fluffington: That pesky little dog is still coming here and whilst I can’t say I really approve it definitely is an interesting species to study. Its behaviours are so peculiar; why do you tug on rope? What is fun about that? I’d much rather chase paper airplanes.

We’re starting to get used to the harnesses that the staff sometimes put on us. We’ve been told it’s so we can go outside next week. We’re not so sure about outside though, sounds like it could be scary; things look big outside, really big. We’ll see on that one and tell you next week. To prepare we’ve even been out in the hallway of the building. That was scary at first. The floor was cold, there was an ugly rug and it was big and open, with no cat tower. Can you imagine a place without a cat tower? Preposterous, we know.      

Sir Fluffington: Last week Sushi accused me of only pretending to be brave when the hoover is about. I can assure you all that I am no more scared of the hoover than I am of a fly (I find flies quite delectable, not that the hoover is tasty…that I know of).

Back to the dog…when it sees us now it takes blooming liberties. It jumps on us all the time and licks us, ruining our soft shiny coat. We have to wash for hours afterwards. We decided that despite this we can play with it a bit; we are civilised after all and it would be rude just to ignore it, even if it is just a dog.

Sushi: Now I know I admitted my one true love is armpits, but I may have found something even better! Reflected light! The way it glistens, the way it moves, I can’t keep my eyes off it, it’s simply beautiful.

Sir Fluffington: If you ask me, which of course you are asking, I’d say Sushi is a bit doolally when it comes to reflected light. She evens chatters at it, can be a bit off putting at times when I’m partaking in a quick gander it some.

We’re happy to hear that the people of Brighton are starting to hear about our cat café as when the staff went to give flyers into shops, around half had already heard of our amazing future café.

Even at the end of the week the staff barely had to time to play with us enough because they were busy http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/a-cat-cafe-for-brighton-and-hove-actually  as that way PayPal is accepted. Personally we think your concept of money is a bit silly anyway, surely trading fish and catnip would better, you could always wash each other. For instance say you need some salmon for dinner, you’d have to give the cashier at the supermarket two licks, a house on the other hand would cost a month of washes. You humans would be a lot cleaner too.

setting up more crowdfunding, this time with indiegogo:

The week hasn’t all been smooth running though, apparently the cats protection think the staff are going to exploit us. Little do they know we’re the ones exploiting the staff. They’ve been working flat out for 6 months and we haven’t paid them a penny or given them any time off, the staff are lucky we allow them the time to play with us. The cats protection also believe we won’t be happy in a cat café. If we weren’t going to be happy why would we open a cat café in the first place? Also they add that we’ll be stressed. Anyone who

has run a business will tell you, it’s stressful, the more people that come in the less stressed we’ll be because the cat café will be doing well. In all seriousness the staff have reassured us that we will have a room separate from the public as well as plenty of high places where people won’t be able to reach us so that we can lord over everyone in style. There will be at least 20 perches for us and our kitty friends and 11 nice hiding places as that is recommended by experts. We’ve done the research as despite being happy to exploit our staff, our kitty friends on the other hand are extraordinarily important. The Humane Society of the United States who are far more forward thinking than the old fashioned cat protection here believe that a space of 10ft x 15ft is fine for up to ten cats. Also a director at the cats protection admitted to the staff that they do not deal with cat welfare and could not advise on cat cafés so they’re just guessing based on their old fashioned rehoming system anyway.